Secret Clubs

Yes, this week's chapter is about secret clubs. And the one Caroline recalled is the very one that happened to me.

I was in the sixth grade of school. I had never been accepted when I moved to my hometown of LaPlata Md when I was in the second grade. In my school I left behind, I had been liked. I remember fuzzy images of happy times, fun play times and a big party when I left and my friends wrote me beautiful letters of good luck and good-bye. I kept those letters for a long time.

Unfortunately, I moved to an area that required a family have generational ties. If you were not from a family that had resided there for six generations, you were not well thought of. Four or five were tolerated, two or three were scoffed at, but new ones, were despised. Sneering would have been a sign of acceptance. I believe in regency times, they use the term cut. He cut me at the party meaning he snubbed me I guess. Well, I was snubbed. I was teased. I was not welcome.

This went on for years culminating on a sunny and bright May day in 1962. the entire class met "secretly" on the hill during social break (better known as recess). All but two of us had been invited to join. Well to cut this story short, Linda Knapp ran out to find this other Linda and myself. Oh and by the way, Linda Knapp is my story's Sylvia except the one thing I remember about Linda were her breasts were the envy of every girl and the desire of every boy. They were perfect and it was not fair for a 6th grader to own such things. I digress.

Well, we were invited with that proviso that it was temporary and if only one vote was cast against us we not be a member. One black ball.

That day I grew up. I said no and I put the words in Caroline's mouth that I spat out that day. The other Linda ran off to join. For the first time I was alone. I ate alone. I walked home alone. I called no one. I spoke to no one. But I did hold my head high for the first time in my life. I did not care that this group did not accept me. I did not accept them. So, I began to smile. Often. When any classmate looked my way, I smiled. they thought I had a secret and began to worry. I still did not speak, choosing instead to just smile and nod my head. For all they knew I was happy. And I was. I felt as if those well known "heavy chains" had been lifted from my shoulders. I began to skip. This upset them more. I hummed and smiled for two weeks until, what I heard later, the boys in the club quit. It appeared they felt more guilty than the girls. What I did not understand was the boys respected my reaction. No, they did not fall madly in love with me but from that forward I never was shown any harshness from them.

The club disbanded and eventually school let out. Elementary school was no more. Next year we all merged with other elementary school kids that had finished the sixth grade into the whirlpool of junior high schoolers. From a school with 50 sixth graders, we became a junior high school class of 7th graders, 175 pupils strong. And later when we merged into the high school years and became a class of 325, those cruel sixth graders had disappeared into the many faces filling the building. I made new friends and never acknowledge the old classmates but out of indifference though and not hate. I just did not care about them either good or bad.

I had been accepted and admired by many of these new kids. I became editor of the yearbook, co-captain of the cheerleaders, vp of the business club, and a host of other activities. I worked in my senior year and earned a good pay. I bought my own clothes, paid for my senior class trip, and mostly I smiled. Often. I was happy. I found my way and today I thank that class of well youngsters doing stupid things that youngsters do.

I, like the song, did it my way and for the rest of my life accepted that I would not always be liked, admired, or even included. I just needed to hold my head high. To smile. To move on.

Writing Caroline's story brought it back and I went a wee bit nutsy with it. Dredging up all those old feelings that I do not think I had completely resolved. I never could think back on those days without a lump forming in my throat, my eyes tearing up or my heart sagging. But now that it has been revealed and in published form (internet is a form of publishing) I accept that time as just one step into becoming who I am today. And I am pleased.

gayle