humorous proposal

Knock, Knock!

Who is there?

Why it is I, your Fitzwilly who has come to take your hand in marriage.

Who are you again?

Fitzwilly - you know Mr. Darcy

And where are you taking me?

to be my wife?

Wife? I thought you were gay the way you just looked at everyone and never spoke to a woman.

Gay? Not on your life! Now let me in so I can make you my wife!

Go away. You don't have anything I want. I want a smooth talking, good looking man.

I am good looking

but you are not smooth talking.

I will be if you let me in.

Go away. I am waiting for my true love.

I am your true love. I want to propose.

I bet your are ardent in your admiration!

Yes, I am.

Why can't you just be like the other boys. Stare at my breasts and say I want you. I love you. let me taste you.

I am a gentleman

Yes and an ardent one at that.

What the hell is wrong with ardent?

Who says ardent? Heck it is only two syllables.

Would you prefer I said enthusiastically? that is a bunch of syllables. I am Fitzwilliam Darcy and can use any size word.

How about passionately? Now a smooth talker would use that word.

You mean like Blake

No, Wickham. He is the smooth talker.

Not Blake?

No Mr. Darcy. Blake would use a flowery word. He likes flowers. He used flowers to woo me.

There is no flowery word for ardent. Ardent is the best word.

He would not bother with ardent anyway. He would go right for the.....

Stop Elizabeth. Do not speak of other men while I am here begging you to be my wife?

Go away. You only want me because Blake wants me. I know your type.

But Blake is a bad boy. I am a good boy.

Mr. Darcy you got your guys mixed up. Blake is a good boy, Wickham is bad. You are gay.

I am not gay. Blake is bad too. Why I can beat him up in a fist fight.

So?

I can beat him in a horse race, maybe not now that the devil authoress gave him the damn horse.

I don't care about horses, you dunce.

Flowers? you like flowers. I suppose you like lavender ones.

yes.

Candy?

yes,

Diamonds

most certainly

Ok. Miss Elizabeth. I will give you flowers every week, candy every month and diamonds every year. How is that? Will you open the damn door and agree to be my wife now.

No.

Why not.

You, Mr. Darcy, are a meanie.

I am not a meanie.

Yes you are. You were mean to my sister.

You sister can fend for herself. She is too good to wed that dunce Bingley. Why does she want a man that can't decide who he loves? He is such a wet noodle. She needs a real man, like my cousin Richard. He will wed her and bed her in a second. He is a real man with a real hard noodle.

She loves Bingley.

No. She cannot marry Bingley. Look, if she weds Bingley and I wed you, than Caroline somehow becomes my sister. No way in hell. Do you want Caroline as your sister?

Perhaps you have a point. But you were mean to Wickham.

I was not mean enough. He should be singing in soprano today.

You would do that?

Do what?

You know?

Stuff them tiny little things down his mouth. You betcha.

Tiny?

Yes tiny ones to go with a tiny little dick.

I did not know.

Don't worry honey about me along those lines. I am all you could every want. I am a stallion. So say yes.

But Mr. Darcy you have done nothing to prove you love me.

Damn Woman. Ok, I will call Wickham and have him seduce your sister and then I will save the day and you will want me after I do it and after you have seen my vault of gold.

Ok. Be heroic and I will marry you.

Be back later.

Bye. Don't hurt anything. Especially anything we might need for later use.

Gee Whiz! Women!